Socialism:You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
Communism:You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism:You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
Nazism:You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism:You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away..
Traditional Capitalism:You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
An American Corporation:You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.
A French Corporation:You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Corporation:You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.
An Italian Corporation:You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A Swiss Corporation:You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Chinese Corporation:You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
An Iraqi Corporation:Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb your arse. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.......
Counter Culture:'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!'
Surrealism:You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Fatalist:You have 2 doomed cows...
A West-Country Corporation:You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
A Brazilian Corporation:You have 2 cows. You pay taxes for 6 cows. You have to sell one cow in order to pay the taxes. Your remaining cow gets sick and dies while waiting for availability in the public vet hospital.
Moffat:You have two cows. Both of them are your daughters time travelling from the past where they had a brief love affair with Da Vinci making you the rightful Queen of England.
An Irish Corporation:You have a million cows because they're fucking everywhere
Tumblr:You have 2 cows. You ship them together and make GIF posts screaming about how much you love your cows, but they should stop existing because they are so perfect.
So I walk home from work every day and there is this Canada Goose that I swear just sits and waits for me on the sidewalk by the park. Crossing the street just takes way too much energy, so instead I shuffle past it in terror and sometimes run until I’m a safe distance away from it.
It just watches me and it’s always there. Waiting.
We will drink beer and look at Facebook and write poetry about llamas and make drunken YouTube videos of us walking through a snowstorm at night in a gated community in Massachusetts. We will shower separately and meet in bed. You will turn off the light and I will sit on the bed and a car will pass on the street and its headlights through the window will briefly illuminate your left eyebrow and then your entire face as you walk toward me.
The next day you will work on a novel about a lonely woman in New York City. I will work on a novel about depressed movie stars who don’t read books or look at blogs or have pets. We will meet in the living room at 3:30PM and eat watermelon by the window and watch small children walk home from school. We will write poetry about planetariums and outdoor recess and drink iced coffee and lay on the carpeted floor listening to acoustic guitar music by sad women in their late-20s.
We will drive to a new Japanese restaurant across the street from a Wal-Mart shopping plaza and it will be very dark inside and we will sit side-by-side in a corner booth and hold hands under the table. We will eat edamame and drink green tea. We will stay more than two hours and our waitress will watch us from the distance and we will whisper illogical phrases to each other and nod with serious facial expressions and hold each other and look at the rest of the restaurant with wide and calm and discerning eyes while thinking about the future and death and the next day and boredom.
After dinner we will drive around listening to emotional guitar music from the mid-90s and you will rest your head on my shoulder and I will pet your hair and think about crying and you will look at the speedometer and think about your childhood. In a 24-hour grocery store at 2:30 a.m. we will walk through the produce section and it will be very bright and I will say that I feel insane and drunk and you will pick up a muffin and ask me how many calories I think it is and I will say 860 and you will say 1120 and I will slap it out of your hand and while you are distracted I will kiss your mouth and then step back and look at your face. You will ask what I see and I will say your name and grin and hold your hand and we will walk through each aisle of the grocery store without talking. In the parking lot you will let go of my hand and run to the car and stare at me as I walk toward you with a neutral facial expression.
In bed at 5:30 a.m. we will talk about organic gardening and small children and the future and Japan and Iceland and happy-sounding music with sad lyrics. When sunlight begins to brighten the room you will roll over and say you feel sleepy. I will pet your shoulder and hold you a little with my hand on your stomach. I will wonder if you are asleep and think about my friend in elementary school who I played Zelda with on regular Nintendo and what I would like the order of songs to be if I recorded a 5-song EP of sad songs with acoustic guitar and a muted drumset and a violin that sounded like it was being played in another room.